How to Take a Dick Pic


How to Take a Dick Pic
How to Take a Dick Pic

How To Take An XXX Photo Of Yourself

It has never been easier to send a dick pic than it is in 2015. With relatively high-quality cameras attached to most mobile phones these days, it’s possible for almost everyone with a penis to capture their junk and share it with the world instantly.

However, not everyone is happy to be on the receiving end of a dick pic, and historically, dick pics haven’t found favor with many women. Traditionally functioning as little more than advertisements for the sender’s size, dick pics are bombarded at women online — usually without consent — and they’re almost always of dismal quality: low-lit, blurry pictures taken at unflattering angles with no erotic potential whatsoever.

Just over a year ago, I noticed that the dick pic was at crisis point, and so I created the blog Critique My Dick Pic (highly NSFW). It’s exactly as it sounds: senders submit their pictures and I give them a detailed review, rounded off with a bold letter grade (“Thank you for submitting to Critique My Dick Pic. Your dick pic gets a D.”)

It’s in everyone’s best interests, senders and receivers alike, that the quality of dick pics improves, so if you wish to dabble in this particular X-rated art, please bear in mind the following tips:

When Not To Send A Dick Pic

Receiving an unsolicited dick pic can be a very hostile, unsexy experience for women, and it’s crucial to send your dick pic strictly to someone you are sure wants to see it. A scattershot distribution approach on OKCupid or Snapchat is likely to be perceived as an annoyance rather than a turn-on, and you may find more welcome reception by asking an intimate partner if they would like to see a nude pic. Be aware, though, that very early in a relationship might not be the best time to propose a dick pic, and it is generally good policy to wait until after you are sexting or have had a nude volunteered to you first. Bear in mind, too, that not every woman will want to see a dick pic at all, or want to see one at all times. Err on the side of holding your dick pic in, because there is more to lose than gain by sending an ill-timed or unwanted nude.

What You Should Send

Once you are explicitly sure you have a willing recipient for your picture, it’s time to compose and shoot your dick pic. Here’s where things can potentially go downhill if you aren’t careful: Sending a poorly composed dick pic is certainly worse than not sending one at all, so you will need to ensure that your dick pic stands out for the right reasons. Before you so much as start loading up your camera app, make sure that you aren’t panicking about your size. Most mediocre dick pics stem from the sender’s obsession with the size of their penis (whether large or small) and one of the worst things you can do is include an object for scale, like lighters or bottles — it’s a common tactic, but it reeks of desperation. The worst dick pics are those that perform as advertisements for size rather than as erotic material, so remember to work with what you’ve got without obsessing about how big it is.

Good dick pics are thoughtful, creative and carefully composed, so whatever you do, don’t take a Log. The Log is what happens when you take a straight down, bird’s-eye-view shot of your dick with your dick taking up the whole frame. They’re the bottom of the barrel in terms of dick pic photography: They’re boring, artless and unoriginal, and your dick pic will need more nuance than that.

Zoom out a bit for a start, and include some non-dick body parts, like your thighs, torso and arms. It’s important to pay attention to the lighting, too: Gloomy laptop lighting doesn’t tend to make for an inviting dick pic, so open up your curtains and make use of natural lighting if possible. One surefire way to ramp up the appeal of your dick pic is by including your hands. Hands are an attractive and underrated body part, and with careful positioning and a convincing grip, they can elevate your dick pic from ordinary to excellent.

RELATED: Harriet Sugarcookie Teaches You How To Send The Ultimate Dick Pic

Another under-considered aspect of dick pics is their setting, and it’s crucial to choose somewhere inviting to shoot your dick pic. There’s no need to go overboard with zany locations — a bedroom or bathroom will usually suffice, although some people make use of the outdoors — but it’s important to make sure that the background is clean, well-lit and free of clutter. Nobody wants to see a visible pile of dirty laundry or scattered collection of half-empty shower gels in your dick pic, so do a quick spruce-up of your surrounding before shooting.

Perhaps most importantly, be open to feedback from whoever’s at the receiving end of your picture. This is the person you want to keep happy, so your best bet is to listen to their individual comments. Do your best work and have fun: Your recipient will be warmly grateful for a thoughtful picture, and if you’re lucky, you might have a reciprocal effort to look forward to.